Donne Davis: Grandparents And Grandchildren Share a Common Ally

Being a grandparent is complicated. I discovered that nine years ago after witnessing the birth of my first grandchild. I was blessed to be the first person to see my granddaughter enter the world and when our eyes locked on each other, a miraculous bond was formed. I went completely "gaga."

When I came back down to earth, I discovered one of the great misconceptions about grandparenthood. It's not just about you and your grandchild. Your relationship with your grandchild is embedded in the relationship with your adult child and his or her spouse. They are the gatekeepers to a successful relationship with your grandchildren.

The most important lesson I've learned since becoming a grandma is to nurture the relationship with your adult children as much as you do with your grandchildren. Simply put, you earn their trust by following their rules and respecting their decisions.

It's especially important in the early stages of your relationship when everyone is learning their new roles as well as the boundaries between these roles. We grandparents have to step back and respect the parents' right to make decisions and not make judgments as they learn from their successes and mistakes.

If you sneak around and conspire with your grandchildren, telling them not to say anything to mommy, it will come back to haunt you. I know -- I once gave my 3-year-old granddaughter a cookie and the first thing she did when we got home was to run and tell her mommy how excited she was that Baba gave her a cookie!

We grandparents are faced with a conundrum. We want to be buddies with our grandchildren and spoil them a little; but we don't want to be the enforcer who tells them they have to stop. I'd rather leave that role to my daughter so I can enjoy being the Funmeister. That's the privilege we grandmas get to enjoy. It's why we find humor in American humorist Sam Levenson's quote: The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

The quote strikes a familiar chord. But it's also disrespectful and hurtful. This popular quote makes the parents the "bad guys" when all they're trying to do is set some rules for our grandchildren and enforce.

Calling the parents the "enemy," even in jest, is negative, hurtful, and disrespectful. I think a friendlier quote would be: The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they share a common ally.

I admire my daughter's consistency in setting rules and routines for my granddaughters. She's providing them with structure and teaching them values. One rule that gets tested every time I'm with my granddaughters is their 15-minute time limit on video games.

Ever since I got an iPhone, it's become my two granddaughters' favorite toy. I can understand why. I've downloaded several fun free apps for them and they're addictive.

The 5-year-old would play "Scoops" for hours if I let her. She is mesmerized by those whimsical little scoops of ice cream falling from the sky to the sounds of an ice cream truck's jingle. The 9-year-old loves "Tiny Tower" and "My Horse" and could easily spend hours playing them. She's even learned how to download apps herself. But I don't let either of them indulge indefinitely because I know my daughter's rules and I want to earn her trust.

If parents know we respect them and follow their rules, they'll trust us with our precious grandchildren. We all need to understand that we're part of a team and that the parents can be our allies.

If grandparents and parents make a commitment to sit down and talk about their shared purpose, it will be a win-win situation for everyone.

• "We bought our grandchildren a battery-powered car. Abby got in and was frustrated that her feet could not reach the pedals. Being the independent and 'assertive' girl that she is, she said to me, 'You, get in, drive' and off we went." <em>-Paula Soffer</em>

• "The moment my grandson Charlie was born, it was like falling in love for the first time. When we're together, our time is spent laughing, reading, and playing whatever game Charlie wants to play. There are no limits to the silliness that takes place when we're together! My heart melts each time he smiles when he sees his Grandma Vicki. Charlie Pasternak is my best friend!" <em>-Vicki Pasternak</em>

• "I am Ari's Grammie. I live in Dallas and he lives in New York. We don't get to visit in person that much, so we video-chat most days. Thanks to 21st century technology, we are virtual grandparents. We have eaten dinner together, played with toys, and sung. We've watched him reach many milestones like walking thanks to technology. We stay updated, though we wish we lived closer. We cherish the times we actually get to spend with him and hope there will be many more to come." -<em>Michele Kesner</em>

• "We are loving being first-time grandparents! Evan is the most precious little boy with the most adorable personality! He makes us laugh and fills our hearts with so much love! If we would have known grandchildren were going to be this much fun, we would have had them first! We are anxiously waiting the arrival of our second grandchild in October!" -<em>Cindy Weinstein</em>

• "Hi I'm Stephanie: a young grandmother. I have five of my own grandchildren ages 14 to 16 months and four of my fianc?'s grandchildren. I'm considered the cool, active grandma. This is me with Jakob, 10, and Jesi, 9. They are both runners like myself. They have been running for three years and both run 5K races regularly and are at the top of their field. I spend a lot of time with them. Kind of like co-parenting but me being the grandparent." -<em>Stephanie N. Torres</em>

• "Alex and me at Gulliver's Kingdom." -<em>Maureen Dean Bartlett </em>

• "My grandkids make my inner child come out to play! And what fun we have -- true JOY!!" -<em>Denise Lilly</em>

• "I was extremely close to my grandparents and their presence in my life greatly formed my perceptions of food, gardening, my Swedish heritage and the essence of family love generation after generation. I couldn't be more delighted to see my parents evolve the teachings of their parents as they interact with my 1-yr old daughter, who couldn't love her "gamma and gampapa" more. The more love the better, and without grandparents, we'd be missing one of the most important relationships in life." -<em>Jamie Smith</em>

• "The best place for a nap is in Grandma's arms! This is Reagan's only living grandparent and she loves her very much." -<em>Alice H</em>

• "Alice and me, lovingly admiring every inch of her." -<em>Mar?lia Levacov</em>

• "I was in the birthing room when my daughter gave birth, and I even cut the chord. She is now 11 months old and she makes us smile everytime we see her. Now that she and her mother are living wih us, our hearts are filled everyday with so much joy and so much love. And everytime she waves her grandfather smiles from ear to ear." -<em>Helen Scrivener</em>

• "A grand love affair! Grandmother born July 10, granddaughter born July 17, exactly 80 years apart! Best friends!" -<em>James Church</em>

• "After an exciting and exhausting day of riding Thomas the Tank Engine and visiting Santa Isabelle isn't too tired to appreciate sympathy and a smile from Opa. Izzie is the only girl in our four grandchildren and knows that she is special." -<em>Art Pence</em>

• "Grandma Francine & Karley walk with Easter Bonnets on" -<em>Tom Jacobs</em>

• "I didn't really want to be a grandparent this early in life, but my little buddy Sarge (aka "Holden Christopher") changed my mind in a hurry. There is no doubt that he favors me. Look at what he "chose" to wear on his very first Halloween. Tie-dye, just like Opa! He is truly a blessing beyond belief." -<em>Dan Walden</em>

• "I enjoy my grandchildren so much! Fortunately both my daughters live nearby so I see my grandchilren often. They have grown up together and are very close, I love that! This is a photo of my daughter Misty's birthday. Sitting with her on the sofa are her children Kyle and Jessica, her older son Tyler is in in the back along with his cousins Casey & Jaden." -<em>Michele Taylor</em>

• "Happiness is...grandmothering. What better way is there to celebrate a birthday than with grandchildren?" -<em>Suzie</em>

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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/donne-davis/good-grandparents-share-a-common-ally_b_2435927.html

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